Change rarely looks like a straight line. We often visualise change as decision, action, success. But it’s rarely that simple, it can look like multiple stops, starts and sometimes it’s even us doing the exact opposite of what we wanted to change.
The stages of change were first described in the 1980s by psychologists James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente in their Transtheoretical Model, while studying how people can stop smoking. What they noticed was simple but also important: change isn’t a single decision, but a process people move in and out of.
the stages of change, but simplified
- Precontemplation: “I don’t even know I need to change”
At this stage, change is not even in your radar. People might minimise a problem or feel defensive about it. But this is not about being lazy or in denial – this probably is not the right time yet. - Contemplation: “Maybe I could do something differently”
Here is where ambivalence lives. At this change you probably see both sides: why you might want to change and why you want to be in the comfort of staying exactly the same. This stage can feel a lot like being stuck in a loop, constantly thinking, weighing, and even doubting. And that’s completely normal. - Preparation: “Okay, I think I can try this”
Here starts the planning stage. You might gather information, talk it through with others, or test small steps. This is not a place for perfection, but it’s more about experimentation. - Action: “I’m doing it!”
Visible change starts to taking place. This stage is often the exciting, but it also takes a lot of effort, patience, and sometimes can also contain messy trials and errors. - Maintenance: “I’m keeping this going”
Change isn’t a finish line that we cross in a magic way. Maintenance is about new habits or ways of being becoming part of our lives. Setbacks might happen and that’s ok. - Relapse: “Oops, back to square one”
This isn’t evidence that change can’t be possible. This is part of learning what works, what triggers old habits, and how to respond differently next time.
ambivalence: the misunderstood partner
Ambivalence can be described as feeling two ways about one thing and while it looks like resistance, it’s a human reaction. Most people want a change and at the same time they want things to stay exactly the same. That tension can be useful: it a sign that something matters, and in the counselling space it’s a starting point for exploring values, priorities, and sometimes even fears.
Trying to force clarity too soon could sometimes backfire. Sitting with the feeling of ambivalence, naming it, understanding it can be often the way to lasting change.
why knowing this matters
Understanding these stages can make change feel less overwhelming and less like a personal failure. If you’re “stuck,” you’re likely in contemplation or maybe even preparing without realising it. Both are expected. Counselling can offer space to notice where you are, understand what might be holding you back, and take steps that feel possible rather than pressured.
The bottom line is that change isn’t a straight line, and ambivalence is not an obstacle. They are part of the process and being aware of that can make a difference.
**Proofread with a little help from AI. The thoughts, feelings, and the questionable sense of humour are entirely my own.
Language of Self 